Shattered Mind
by blue peanut m and m
Summary: Set after the season four finale, kinda what I would love to see next season, a destroyed Sam, and Dean being there for him.
1. Chapter 1

**Shattered Minds.**

**Summary. . . . . . . Set after the season finale, kinda what I would love to see, a destroyed Sam, and Dean being there for him.**

**Disclaimer. . . . . Kripkies, only playing with his creations.**

**A.N. . . . . . . Just feeling down knowing we have no new episode until fall, so I wrote me a little destroyed Sam cause I know I'm not the only one who loves me an emo Sammy. Hope you enjoy, Peanut x**

He watched from his precarious position as the bottle he had let go off twisted and turned as gravity took hold of it and it tumbled to the rocks that lay so far below his feet. He looked away as the sound of smashing glass finally made it's way to his ears, and pulled another beverage from within it's cardboard container. Popping the lid, he flicked the small piece of metal over the edge, allowing it to take the path the bottle had taken previously. Bringing the gradually warming liquid to his lips he guzzled half the bottle before lowering his arm to rest once more on his jean clad thigh, the brown glass clinking against the overhanging rock he was sitting upon. He swiped at the tears that leaked slowly from his sunken black circled eyes to course their way past hollow cheeks to nestle in an unfamiliar growth of beard, as the memories of the last year, and the last two weeks in particular, continued to assault his mind.

He swayed alarmingly as he shifted his weight to alleviate the numbness in his extremity; a numbness that was now constantly present throughout his whole being. Lifting the bottle again, he attempted to drink away his sorrows, grief and guilt, but no matter how hard he tried it always seemed to consume him, a daily reminder of just how stupid and gullible he had been, a daily reminder of just what he had done and become, a daily reminder of just how far he had fallen, and why? All because of a woman; a woman who had played him right from the start; a woman who had used his fears for his brother, his fears for the worlds future, his fears for his own future, against him, manipulating him into becoming this thing, this beast, this unnatural being, someone he was ashamed off.

Had he been so desperate for love, so desperate to be close to someone after Dean had died that he had forgotten everything he had ever been taught, that he had forgotten the first rule of demon lore; that they were scheming, lying sons of bitches. How could he have pushed aside all he believed in just because she showed some interest in him, interest he now knew was shown to gain her exactly what she had wanted, for him to become a pawn. He emptied the rest of the cheap liquor down his throat as the taste of her skin, her mouth, her essence, her blood tantalized his taste buds, hoping he could wash away all traces of her existence and banish all memories of the past year; but it wasn't enough, cause every time she disappeared, another taste invaded, and this one hurt even more.

He dropped the bottle again, not bothering to see it freefall to it's certain demise as screams, and shouts, and pleas echoed around his head, so loud he was sure if there was anyone close by they must surely be able to hear them too. Raising his hands to his ears, he pushed at the side of his head in a vain attempt to make the distressing noises abate, but they only seemed to grow stronger, the cries punishing him for the deed he had committed. He bent over, his body swaying unsteadily coming close to following the path the beer bottles had previously taken, as nausea rose and the need to expel it overcame him; the cries of the innocent still present overpowering his own distress.

Thoughts of the nurse, and the secret that he alone now bore, chipped away deeper into his already damage heart, encouraging the tears to fall much harder, the salty wetness mingling with the rain drops that had begun to fall in earnest. How could he have done such a thing? How could he have taken an innocent life? Didn't he swear to Dean that he wanted to save human lives, and that by using his powers he could do just that? Did this not make him into exactly the thing his Father he been so afraid of? Make him the thing that Dean was supposed to kill? And yet he was still here, still living; well if you could call his miserable existence living, ever since He had arisen, live for himself seemed to have stopped, a dead detachment seeming to have invaded him, a numbness that no matter what anyone tried could not be broken through.

Oh there had been days, after they had first returned to Bobby's, lucid moments between the confusion a second detox had muddled his mind with, when either Dean, or Bobby had been able to talk to him, encouraging him, willing him to make his way back; and on those days he had felt normal, a little baggage but nothing he couldn't handle. But then the nightmares had started, and the memories had returned, along with the anger, and sadness, and soul destroying guilt, turning him into a shell, a husk of a human that breathed, and moved, but could never find the will to do anything else. Dean and Bobby had both tried, both prayed, both pleaded with him, but the spark that made him the man they had both loved was gone; extinguished when reality had made itself known. So he had wasted away, no will to live present, and they had been forced to watch as he slowly deteriorated before them, neither older man wanting to leave him alone for a second, afraid of what he would do.

They had made a mistake this morning though, a mistake he had taken quick advantage of, sneaking out of the claustrophobic house before either of them could notice. Sneaking the beers from the secret stash he knew Bobby kept in a cooler in his workshop, he had made his way to this place; a place he had always found comfort in before now; a place that now seemed to mock him, the rocks shaping and forming into sneering mouths, the echoes of the birds sounding like contemptuous laughter, the weather changing from glorious sunshine to a gloom that rivaled his own, and the air filled with an oppressive depression that seemed to weigh down his very soul.

He closed his eyes against the scenery that had once brought him such joy, and reached out blindly for another beer to dull the ache, his eyes opening and his head turning as his fingers flapped against the wet sharpness of the rock, his eyes widening as he took in the damp denim clad legs that stood where his beer should have been. Closing his eyes again, not wanting to see the love and anguish that permanently seemed to emanate from his siblings eyes, he shrank even further into himself as he spoke.

"Go away Dean!"

"I can't do that Sammy. I'm suppose to look after you. I failed this year, but I will not do so again."

"Don't you dare pile this all on yourself, it wasn't your fault, I'm a grown man Dean, I can make my own decisions. I decided to go that way. I decided to do what I did, and now I have to live with the consequences. So I ask you again, please just leave me alone."

"No Sam, never. I need you brother, I can't do this alone."

"Yes you can! You could then and you can now."

"Yeah, maybe, but I still don't want too."

"Don't you get it Dean! I became exactly what they all said I was gonna be. I did things, terrible things, and they consume me now. Day and night the things I did are all I can think about. I hate what I've become Dean, I hate what I did."

"Yeah, but you can make up for that now! Don't you get it Sam. You have a chance to make amends, to start afresh. Please take it."

"I don't know whether I want to. I don't know whether I'm strong enough. I just want to die Dean. There no longer anything for me to live for."

"Don't you say that! Don't you ever say that! You're stronger then you have ever thought you were Sam, and now you have a chance to prove it, and I'll be there right by your side. I'm what you have to live for, me! We have work that needs to be finished Sam, are you just gonna sit there and allow life on earth to die? Or are you gonna help me?"

Dean offered a hand to his suffering sibling, his mind and body tense as he waited for a response. His head dropping, despair radiating from him as he thought he hadn't broken through, only to ebb a little as his brother's cold hand finally encircled his own, and he gratefully pulled his brother away from the edge.

"C'mon lets get you sober, we have a lot to do."

The End.

**A.N. . . . . . . . Thanks as always for stopping by and reading, catch you soon, Peanut x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Shattered Mind.**

**Summary. . . . . . . Set after the season finale, kinda what I would love to see, a destroyed Sam, and Dean being there for him.**

**Disclaimer. . . . . Kripkies, only playing with his creations.**

**A.N. . . . . . . Well the first chapter went down well, and I had a few requests to add to the story a little bit further, to delve deeper into Sam's fight back from depression, so here it is. As always thanks for stopping by and taking a look, Peanut x**

"_Listen to me, you blood sucking freak. Dad always said I'd have to save you or kill you, well I'm giving you fair warning, I'm done trying to save you. You're a monster Sam. A vampire. You're not you anymore, and there's no going back."_

Sam awoke with a jolt, a hangover from hell making him think his skull was being split in two, the voicemail message from Dean repeating itself over and over in his mind, increasing the pounding in his head tenfold; but he relished the pain as it pushed away all other feelings, making him feel almost human again. He shielded his eyes against the sunlight that was gradually piecing it's way past Bobby's well worn net curtains, his mind drifting back to the yesterday and his attempt to run from his troubles, to hide at the bottom of many bottles, to drink so much it would take him away from all that had happened, to erase this past year altogether. He should have known, should have learnt from his own Father's past, that drinking never seemed to solve anything, the troubles always seeming darker the next day. Needing a glass of water to ease the dryness of his mouth, he quietly pushed aside the thick blanket that either Dean or Bobby had placed over his shivering, wet form once the two brothers had made their way back, Sam so out of it he barely remembered. Sliding his long legs off the well worn couch in Bobby's library, he waited for the room to stop spinning before standing and padding barefoot towards the kitchen.

He looked longingly towards the front door, a part of him still wanting to leave, to escape, but he knew it would be no use his troubles were a part of him, and he was something he could not run away from; besides if he knew his brother and his friend, the door would be warded, some sort of alarm attached that would alert Dean if he left. As he passed the stairs that rose to the upper levels of the house and the room that his brother now slept in; a room they used to share; a room he now refused to step foot in, feeling he didn't deserve the comfort it always gave him; he paused, a need to be near his brother consuming him, a need to be comforted, to be told again that everything would be okay, to be told that they were still brother's, always had been, always would be no matter what. He placed a foot upon the first tread, but couldn't seem to go any further, guilt and shame preventing him from seeking Dean out and receiving even a small amount of solace. Instead he dropped his foot back to the floor, and turned his way back to the kitchen, despair weighing heavily upon his slumped shoulders.

He shivered as he entered the chilly room, wishing he had brought the soothing warmth of the blanket with him. Opening the cupboard he reached inside and grasped at one of the glasses, gripping it tightly in trembling fingers after he almost dropped it. Turning on the tap he placed the glass to one side as he waited for a few seconds for the water to turn colder. Running his hands under the wetness he dragged them through his sweat soaked, dirty hair, wincing as his digits caught in the tangled mess, a reminder of just how far he had let himself go. Wiping his hands on his damp tee, he picked up the glass and placed it under the water. He was just reaching for the tap as Bobby's latest mutt, startled by something began to bark outside. The sudden noise unnerved him, causing his already shaking hands to jump, the glass slipping from wet fingers to fall and crash to the floor, breaking into shards that spun and scattered across the scuffed linoleum. It was too much for his already fragile mind, and he slumped despondently to the ground ignoring the wetness as it seeped into his clothes, and the glass as it cut through tattered denim and embedded itself into his flesh. Pulling his knees up to his chest, he allowed his head to fall despairingly, the tears that seemed an everyday occurrence now falling from sunken eyes once more. So caught up in his desolation, he didn't hear the footsteps that raced along the landing above, didn't hear the cries of his name being called, didn't hear those same footsteps enter the room he now sat in, didn't hear the sadness that radiated from the tone his brother spoke in; all's he heard was the screams of the nurse, the laughter of Lillith, the mocking voice of Ruby, the white noise as Lucifer arose.

He didn't know how long he sat there before he became aware of his surroundings once again. It was little things at first, the chime of the clock in the lounge, the birds twittering outside, the sun sending spikes of pain lacing through his brain, the pain of small piercing cuts, cold and wetness seeping into his bones, the familiar smell of gun oil, leather, and the aftershave Dean always wore, the heat of a body planted next to his. Lifting his head, he rubbed weakly at crusted lids before blinking repeatedly, trying to clear his fatigue blurred vision. Turning slowly to the side, he whispered "I'm sorry I woke you."

"I was already awake Sam, there's nothing to be sorry for."

Sam looked closely, unbelievingly at his brother, even more shame washing over him as he took in the dark circles that ringed Dean's eyes. "God Dean! I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I caused all this. I'm sorry you're not sleeping. I'm sorry about the blood. I'm sorry about Lillith. You should do what Dad wanted you to do, I don't deserve to live, kill me. Kill me please."

Dean pushed angrily away from his brother as Sam spoke, the begging for death tearing away at a heart already too fragile. "I can't do what you're asking Sam. I wont."

"But why? After everything I've done, why?"

"Cause you're my brother. Family don't do that to each other. Dad was an ass for even putting that thought in my head. We can work through this Sam. The hardest part is done now, we just gotta start looking forward and forget all the things behind us. It's the past. It's over."

"It'll never be over for me."

"Why Sam?

"Because."

"Because why?" When his brother didn't reply, choosing only to bow his head once more, hiding his expressive eyes from him; eyes that always spoke the truth, Dean tried again. "What aren't you telling me Sam? What don't I know? What are you hiding?"

"I can't tell you. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Not yet. Please just drop it."

"Sam, I can't help you if you wont let me in. Please let me in."

"What do you want to know Dean?" Sam angrily replied, wiping at the moisture that still fell readily from his eyes. "That I feel like a part of me is dead, that it died along time ago in Cold Oak. I feel like I'm drowning Dean, and I'm not even in water. I'm pushing for the surface, but it just keeps moving further and further away. I so desperately want to give up, to quit swimming, but I can't. I can't. And do you know why?" Dean stayed quiet, knowing that if he spoke now Sam would clam up and the moment would be gone. " You Dean. You. I wont give up because I know, deep down inside me, that you don't want me too. So I keep swimming, trying to find a way out, but it's so hard Dean, so hard. And I don't think I'm strong enough to do this alone."

"That's just it Sam, you not alone in this, you have to believe me, please."

"Your brother's right Sam." A voice rang out form the doorway. "You're not alone, you have family that is here to help, let them." Bobby finished off, pointedly emphasizing the word family. He waited for the words to sink in before adding. "What happened with Ruby coulda happened to any one of us. We've all been duped at one point or the other. Now though we just have to make things right again. Together as a team. A family."

Sam looked between the two, the love and trust that had been missing in his brother's eyes this past year, now back along with determination. Determination to see Sam succeed. As he looked back at Bobby he saw the same things repeated in his eyes also, his broken soul mending a little, and a small piece of resolve, of strength growing inside him, beginning to wash away the anguish, and guilt, and shame. He knew it would be hard, new that he would crash at some point, but he also knew he had family there now to help him; family that he could trust, and maybe one day tell the truth to, the truth of just how far he had really fallen. For now though he was content to take Dean's hand as it was offered, content to be guided upstairs to the room they always shared, content to take comfort in the fact that he had someone to watch over him, as he fell into the first real slumber he'd had in weeks.

**A.N. . . . . . . . . Well I hope you think the added extra was worth the read. Thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed and added to favs, will catch you later, Peanut x**


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